I ask myself what it is I want from life. Or, what do I want for my life now?
Work seems remote nowadays. When Catharine came to visit me in the hospital, she said something like, “Don’t separate your time into what is useful and what is not.”
Yes, Catharine, I do have that tendency. I am conscious of time. Aren’t we all, all of us who were bought up to understand that “an inch of gold can’t buy an inch of time”?
What is it I want from my life? I will not say that cancer is, for me, a life-changing experience, but it does have an impact on how I see myself, and the world. My illness experience helps me realize that I need to do what I like, not what is expected of me by others. I have passed the stage of feeling vain about and for myself. I need to make a mark somewhere.
The other day, on the way to my RT treatment, I stepped out of the minibus and saw an elderly woman. Her hair was all white and she wore a mask. It was during the flu epidemic. Stooping over, she leaned her arm on the bus stop railing to get her balance. She took off her mask and tried to catch her breath, or vomit; I didn’t know for sure. I walked ahead, looked back, returned and asked if she was OK. She bade me to go on, saying there was no need to waste my time, as I must be busy.
She must have mistaken me for one of the staff at the hospital. I went on my way as I was told, not wanting to be late for my appointment, but I regretted it. Why didn’t I stay and help her? She was alone and must have felt unwell, although she didn’t look poorly. Wouldn’t helping this old woman have been much more worthwhile than all the other things I did, like writing a manuscript?
For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.
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