Friends or family?

I respect and value my students as adults. I treat them as friends. At least, this is what I used to do, most of the time.

There are varying degrees of friendship. With some friends, you can talk openly; with others, you may not be able to spill your heart. But all of them are your friends—unique individuals who may or may not listen to you. We give adequate space to our friends, even very good friends.

As teachers, our students are hardly our best friends. With new batches of students passing through each semester or year, they are more like new acquaintances or new friends.

Having taught at my university for 17 years, I have come to learn that, sometimes, being a friend is not enough. Some students seem to respond better if you speak to them as if they were your adult children. I am not suggesting that we treat our students like young children, but I have observed that some of my colleagues do treat their students like their grown-up children, and, for some, this has worked.

We expect our friends to listen to us, to be good to us. Yet, we know that, no matter what we expect, a friend is not a family member. Family members make demands on us. Family members are connected to us on a deeper level. They are part of us, no matter what.

It is not so difficult to manage expectations of students who take a course or two from you. But what if you are their academic adviser? Being an academic adviser does not mean that the students we advise are close to us or willing to talk to us. So, do we simply provide academic advice about which courses to choose, how to study, and nothing more?

What about research students who work with us for a few years? Do we treat them like friends or family? When they repeatedly make the same mistakes, a friend would probably give up and say no more. But a family member would persist. Where do we, as teachers, draw the line?

When I was younger, my students were my friends. That was the way I wanted it. As I become older, I become less sure, and I realize it is unrealistic to expect from my students what I expect from my friends. Younger adult students are not yet that mature, and, if I were only a friend, I would be frustrated. I would demand that they be like me, that they think and work like me. But if I were to regard my students as my grown children who are trying to master particular subject matter, I would be more patient, more understanding, more tolerant of repeated mistakes.

I cannot say which is right or wrong, to coach my students as friends or as adult children. I only know that, with increasing age, my attributes as a teacher have changed. I hope I am now a more effective teacher. But that is for my students to say.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International. Comments are moderated. Those that promote products or services will not be posted.