Engagement in life

I came across a new term, “the potentialist,” in an inflight magazine aboard Air Canada on my annual visit to Toronto to see my mother. A potentialist is someone who lives life to the fullest. I love the idea. The magazine was describing a couple who, in late adulthood, have found new meaning in life and want to spend every minute of it doing meaningful things, such as tapping into their physical potential, combining vacation with charitable activities, and so on. This is admirable. I have a lot of respect for such an attitude toward life. But wouldn’t it be extremely tiring as well?

There is a Chinese saying about the careful use of time that we all learnt when we were small. I don’t think elementary schools teach these things nowadays, because I have never heard kids talk about it. “An inch of time is like an inch of gold. Yet, an inch of gold cannot buy an inch of time.” What an apt description, if you truly love time.

As children, we were indoctrinated into believing the idea that we shouldn’t waste time. I would feel terribly guilty if I wasted any significant blocks of time. I love to account for things I do. Checking off tasks on a list gives me a sense of control and, more importantly, a sense of accomplishmentand the confidence that I have not wasted my life away.

Yet, I am aware that I am not that self-disciplined. I have wasted and still do waste my time every now and then, largely by doing nothing, doing silly things, or doing things that are unimportant while many more-important tasks lie there awaiting my attention. I can’t help it. I am only human.

I bet nurses are all more or less alike. We multitask a great deal, we hate to waste time and we like to check items off lists. Although, when I think about it, I don’t know if it is because we are nurses, or the fact that most nurses are female, that we exhibit such behavioral characteristics. Quite honestly, I can’t tell.

Coming back to where I started, I would love to be a potentialist sometimes, maybe more often than not. Still, not all the time. Not for me.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Are we set in our ways?

Are we set in our ways when we grow old? Do we become more stubborn in our old age? People ask questions about the possibility of changes in personality in older age.

Stage theorists maintain that personality changes over time, as a person progresses from one stage to another. Trait theorists argue that personality is stable, and cite personality-inventory studies indicating that a person’s traits remain stable during adulthood.

Life-span theorists of human development pose that human beings have considerable potential for becoming what they want to become and accomplish in a lifetime. However, other theorists suggest it is people’s habits that change—habits related to health, vigor, responsibilities and life circumstances—and not their basic personalities. In short, the foregoing can be interpreted to mean that many so-called personality differences are generational.

Is it not reassuring, then, to know that the theory that “as one grows older, one becomes more stubborn” has been debunked? If we are flexible and adaptable when we are young, we will still be flexible and adaptable when we grow old. If we are rigid in our ways at a young age, we will likely remain so as we accumulate years in life.

It is unfair to associate old age with stubbornness. The other message to take home is that, to better prepare for old age, we should nurture open-mindedness and adaptive coping responses.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Fast-changing images

My eldest sister used to live in Wanchai, on the island of Hong Kong. She died of stomach cancer in March 2010. Because she lived there for so many years after getting married—not in the same apartment but in the same district—I knew the area pretty well, too, because I visited her often, ever since I was a child.

I knew the streets, the buildings and the shops. I still go to my sister’s place, because that is where my cousins live. Because I visit the area quite often, I can usually follow the changes that are occurring in the landscape.

I wasn’t quite prepared for what I saw one day, though. Traveling on the tram from Central to Wanchai, I tried to look outside the tram window, through a packed carriage full of passengers, to see if I had reached my stop. I knew I would be close. I was somewhat taken aback by the view of an unfamiliar landscape. The shops and neon lights that met my eyes were unfamiliar to me. Where were the places I once knew?

As in all fast-growing economies, Hong Kong is one of the places in the world that undergoes frequent and rapid changes to her city landscape.

If I become sentimental about lost images in a city, what is it like for our senior citizens? Whenever I teach introductory concepts of age and aging, I ask my students to try to imagine what seniors in their 80s or 90s must have gone through. A senior who is 90 years of age would have gone through the First World War, the Second World War, the war against Japanese occupation (1937-45), the Chinese Civil War (1945-49) and the Cultural Revolution of China (1966-76).

I try to help my students understand why seniors like to save and not waste anything, and why they go a long way to save a few pennies. I hope that, through such reflections, young people will come to appreciate that such “odd” behaviors represent strengths, not weaknesses. However, I have never asked my students to imagine the landscape changes seniors have seen in their lifetimes.

If we consider for a moment what seniors have gone through, it must be a most amazing experience. They have been to places we have not and seen things we have not. We should know, therefore, that all seniors likely have something to teach us, regardless of their background or educational level.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Domestic workers, a godsend for Hong Kong women

If you go the Central (district) or Causeway Bay area of Hong Kong on weekends and public holidays, you will find masses of female (and some male) domestic workers gathering in parks, on designated pedestrian walkways, in the courtyards of huge commercial complexes and along the walkways of overhead pedestrian bridges. It is quite an amazing sight, and it forces you to realize the magnitude of Hong Kong’s foreign domestic workforce.

People grumble about all these spaces being occupied by immigrant workers because they, themselves, can no longer use them. Those who grumble have probably forgotten one very important fact: These domestic workers have freed the women of Hong Kong from the burden of being the main caregiver in their household.

The majority of domestic workers in Hong Kong are Filipinos, with an increasing proportion coming from Indonesia. Those from Indonesia are becoming more popular, as many of them can speak Cantonese, the local dialect, while those from the Philippines speak only English. A small proportion of the workers come from Thailand. While writing this , I learned from Wikipedia that foreign domestic workers make up approximately 3 percent of the local population. There were 284,901 of them in 2010.

We have been hiring domestic workers since the late 1970s. As I recall, they were initially hired to take care of babies and children in a family. In more recent years, many of them are being hired to look after seniors. Historically, women have been the main caregivers in society, and this is still the case. Women are expected to provide care to those in need within a family. For better or worse, domestic workers have set us free. For many, to support a family, both husband and wife need to work. Given the disappearance of large, extended families, the woman of the family often needs help if she is to work outside the home.

After having babies, Hong Kong women go back to work more frequently than women in Western countries. It is rather uncommon for local women to give up careers to stay home and raise their kids. The advantage may be more secure income for the family. The down side is that working parents sometimes over-compensate for lack of time spent with their children by spoiling them. Some of my friends and acquaintances may be highly educated, but they indulge their children just the same. To mitigate the guilty feelings they have for not spending enough time with their kids, they buy expensive toys and gifts, or allow poor choices of foods and games.

There may be many problems associated with having a domestic worker to help us run a home, but I still think that it is great for women in Hong Kong to have this option. A Hong Kong woman can live her life the way she wants. She can raise her kids at home but, if she chooses to have a career, she can hire a domestic worker.

Back to where I started—I think we shouldn’t grumble. We should be appreciative of foreign domester workers’ contribution to Hong Kong.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

I love TV!

Television, “human’s best friend”—from the movie “Son of the Mask”—is the symbol of idleness. A person who sits all day in front of the TV is a “couch potato,” lazy, sloppy and lacking in imagination and creativity.

But I do love TV. I love drama, and easily identify with the emotions of people portrayed in a dramatic series. Nowadays, when there is so much “reality TV” around, it is easy to get carried away and feel as if you have participated. There are many interesting stories in these shows: the rich guy who bravely takes to the streets and tries out life as a homeless person for a few days; a man or woman with a regular job in metropolitan London who briefly gives up all creature comforts and lives a tribal life in a remote part of the world. “The Deadliest Catch” helps me appreciate why king crabs are so expensive when they finally arrive on our plates.

I don’t necessarily agree with what these people do. For example, what right do these people from “civilization” have to intrude into the world of these tribes? But listening to the story of a young rich kid who became homeless made me more mindful of how I relate to and interact with homeless people.

TV provides free entertainment and, if you choose wisely, offers great entertainment. How else would I learn so much about the world of reptiles, wildlife rescues and the intelligence of the octopus, if not from “Animal Planet”? How else would we learn what to do in the “Worst Scenario” and what myths to debunk if not for the Discovery Channel?

TV is our connection to the world. I remember reading an article describing how some seniors who were not very mobile and had to stay indoors a lot had a kind of control center set up around them. They would sit in their most comfortable chair in the living room, with the TV in front of them and a remote control by their side. The telephone was also within arm’s reach. The way they were positioned, they could also see whatever was going on outside their living room window. I found this most interesting, and think maybe I will do the same when I am old.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Immediate versus delayed gratification

When I was small, new clothes or new toys were only for special occasions, such as the New Year. So whenever my mom or big sister bought us a new dress, it had to be saved until the New Year before we could wear it. We were so excited and anticipation mounted as the time drew near. We were on Cloud Nine when we finally put on our new clothes.

Not so now.

I watch my nephews. Whenever I buy a new T-shirt for them, if they love it, they wear it immediately. They are very much part of a here-and-now generation.

When I was small, senior members in the family often told us to work hard, and said that hard work would earn us future opportunities. I watch the news. Young people nowadays do not really believe that. While in the past we grabbed hold of any job opportunity that came along if we needed a job, the younger generations in Hong Kong will only work if they can find the job they want. I can understand the sentiment. Unfortunately, the right job does not always come along that easily in life.

When we were kids, our parents told us to spend money wisely and keep our savings in the bank. We were often preparing for harder times, because we never knew what was coming next. Nowadays, the banks are pushing for a larger market share in credit-card business among college students. Some college students have acquired the habit of spending over their credit limit, accumulating large credit-card loans even before they graduate.

Some of my students think it is more important to spend money on the latest iPhone model than to buy textbooks. In fact, they can borrow a textbook from our school for the meager sum of HK $50 (US $6.40) a year, but not many do so.

Today, everyone in the world wants immediate gratification. Everything is about me, I, now.

You may think I am unsympathetic to the younger generation. Not so. This is the world we created for them. If we don’t like the way they are behaving, it is likely we are to blame, at least in part.

As a teacher, I am privileged to be able to mix with some really caring and conscientious young people. I know quite a number of them well, as they work for me as student assistants in my projects. Sometimes, when I look at them, I am happy knowing that, despite what we see and hear in the news, we do have a fine younger generation coming along.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Life is bearable because there is hope

A friend of mine died of leukemia a few months ago. He retired about three years ago and then was suddenly taken ill. Two weeks ago, I went with a colleague to visit his widow. She treated us at a restaurant to dim sum, a customary meal of local Chinese people.

Sundays are family days, and many families go for morning dim sum together. If your friends are visiting, they will be treated, as well. The widow’s son, daughter-in-law and 1-year-old granddaughter were all there. She seemed to be coping well, and we chatted away merrily. Soon, it was time to leave, and she came with us to the minibus stop to see us off. Suddenly, she told us, “I still miss him terribly,” and then burst into tears.

Life must be unbearable for her, because they were married for almost four decades and were very close. My colleague tried to comfort her by asking her to be brave, and to think of her current responsibilities of looking after the rest of her family and her granddaughter. We were in a public place and didn’t really have the chance to talk in depth. She stopped sobbing, and then we parted.

After I got home, I kept thinking of her—her grief and her loss. I wrote her a card. I wish I had had more time and been in a quieter place with her, so that she could cry her heart out. I wish I had had the courage to stop my colleague from talking. The woman needed a chance to express her true feelings.

As a nurse, I am expected to know how to therapeutically communicate with people in need. But, sometimes, I find myself tongue-tied, especially when I am with friends. I do not pretend to know how other people feel, because I don’t. I can’t. I can only imagine. But every individual’s experience is private and special. Nobody else can experience something in the exact same manner. Often, it is good enough simply to be there and listen. Let the person’s grief flow out. It is only in companionship that we feel supported. It is only in telling that we start to heal.

I often tell my students it is unnecessary to fill every moment with sounds when you are with a patient. The ability to tolerate needed silence in a conversation says much about a person’s skills in communication.

Although I am concerned about my friend’s wife, who is now a widow, I think time will be her best friend. The family is close, and she finds immense joy in playing an important part in her granddaughter’s life. In a young life, one can see joy and hope. We can find pure joy in simple matters in a child. Looking at him or her, we see hope for a happier, better future.

Life becomes bearable because there is hope.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.